The Day I Couldn’t Find My Roll Number
My RAS Failure Story
Every year, there is one day that every RAS aspirant remembers.
The day RPSC uploads that PDF.
It’s just a PDF. A few hundred names. A few pages.
But for someone preparing for years, it holds an entire life.
Some people open it once and scream with happiness.
Some open it ten times because they can’t believe their name is actually there.
And then there are people like me…
…who keep searching the same roll number again and again, hoping the eyes made a mistake.
They didn’t.
I still remember closing my laptop quietly.
No shouting.
No crying immediately.
Just silence.
The kind of silence that only you can hear.
For months, maybe years, your entire life revolves around one dream.
You wake up thinking about RAS.
You sleep thinking about RAS.
You stop going to family functions because “padhna hai.”
You stop meeting friends because “iss baar selection lena hai.”
Birthdays become normal days.
Festivals become revision days.
People think you’re studying.
Only you know you’re slowly giving pieces of your life to a dream nobody can guarantee.
And then…
One PDF decides everything.
But How I feel that time .
And the hardest part was telling people.
My parents looked at my face before asking anything.
They already knew.
Friends started texting, “Result?”
Relatives called as if they didn’t already know the answer.
Every time I had to say—
“Nahi hua.”
Those two words never become easier.
What hurt even more was opening social media.
One by one, success stories started appearing.
Photos with parents.
Garlands.
Celebrations.
Messages saying, “Dreamscome true.”
I Was Genuinely Happy for them and well regards.
But if I say I never felt jealous…
I’d be lying.
I did.
Not because they succeeded.
But because I wanted that moment too.
I kept asking myself…
“What did they do that I couldn’t?”
“Did I not study enough?”
“Did I waste all these years?”
Sometimes there are no answers.
And that’s probably the most difficult truth to accept.
One evening, when I was almost convinced that everything was over, someone older than me said something very simple.
He didn’t just Give me Motivation.
He didn’t Say “Everything Happens For a Reason.”
He simply said,
“Yash… bas tikke rehna. Apni baari bhi aayegi.”
At that time, those words didn’t magically remove my pain.
But they gave me something more important.
They gave me permission to continue.
I realised something.
Failure doesn’t break us in one day.
We break ourselves when we start believing one result defines our entire worth.
It doesn’t.
I Know how this prepartion can feel so lonely.
I know what it Feels like to study in the room where only the sound of turning pages of the books keeps you company.
I know what it feels like to question yourself after every mock test.
I know what it feels like when everyone asks,
“Ab kya karoge?”
As if life has already ended.
But maybe life is kinder than we think.
Maybe our timing is simply different.
Today, if someone who didn’t clear RAS is reading this, I don’t have any big motivational speech.
Because I know words cannot erase disappointment.
Cry if you want to.
Take a day off.
Take a week off.
Sit with your family.
Go home if you need to.
But don’t make a permanent decision because of a temporary result.
One result cannot measure your intelligence.
One merit list cannot measure your character.
One failure cannot erase years of honest hard work.
Maybe your name wasn’t in this year’s PDF.
That hurts.
I know.
But maybe your story isn’t ending here.
Maybe this chapter is only teaching you something success never could.
So I’ll keep showing up.
I’ll keep studying.
I’ll keep believing.
Because someday…
I want to look back at this version of myself—the one who almost gave up—and quietly say,
“Thank you for not quitting.”
I wait untill its my turn.
— Yash Kumawat
A RAS Aspirant.
